Dreams, wants and wishes

What were my dreams when I was young? I know I had them. Great desires to become someone famous. Being recognised as someone great. I thought maybe I’d be a famous hairdresser and would work in London along side the other greats. That’s all I had known I wanted to be. And I did become a hairdresser, a pretty good one.
But my dreams became a distant memory as I became a mother. And then that was my most important role. To be a mother. Although I still worked hard as a hairdresser, I knew my dreams of going to London and to the next level would never happen as I took on my new responsibility. I kindly said goodbye to my dreams and held them in a back pocket of my mind for another day, maybe.
The task of motherhood seemed an easy one at first. Yes, it was a big change. To go from loving oneself more than others to loving another more than oneself is quite a surprise for us selfish beings. I remember thinking at the time that I could do with being less selfish. But maybe at twenty two, I was too young, too immature to take on this job. I didn’t know the whole manuscript of raising a healthy child. I assumed it was just a physical role. I was fit and healthy enough. I didn’t think then that I might not have the mental requirements.
Although I know I loved my fist born, a boy. Unconditionally.
I somehow wasn’t the right match for him, for what he needed to grow. I suppose I just thought loving, providing, educating, was enough. But I did push, not encourage and I guess I controlled. And I paid the ultimate price.
It was just sixteen short years when I knew I was losing my son, maybe fifteen. And although I tried, there was nothing I could do or say to stop this process.
At eighteen, he had fled the nest and was gone.
Gone emotionally, forever.
The second was a girl and in true form, girls cry when they are upset and then you can help, or listen or support. They learn to trust you. They learn you to be a Mother. The relationship grows. I was a bit older, had I learned a bit more about my job as a Mother? I knew the role involved more than just the functional things. I learned that children have voices that need to be listened to. When they are sad we have to hug them, when they are hurt, we have to clean the wound.
When the third child came along, I knew then what the role of mothering involved and I realised how hard it was to actually be a good Mother. To love and nurture. To show by example. To teach work ethic and gratitude.
And I think the most important thing that I have learned as a Mother is that each child is different and they have very different learning abilities and to know when they are ready to learn the next stage of emotional education and literal education and physical education is very important in parenting because if you push a child to a place it is not ready for, you will cause them confusion, frustration and anxiety.
I watch from the distance my thirty year old son as a father and a husband.
He can’t share his beautiful daughters with me. For him, I guess the memory of his youth is not one he wants to bring his children into.
He doesn’t need to call me for anything, a cup of tea or how are you doing Ma? I don’t receive the look of love or pride from him.
It’s painful for me because I only ever wanted to be recognised as someone really good at their job and reap the rewards.
So where are my dreams now? My dreams have changed shape a little, Now I pray to God and thank him for my healthy and well family. I pray for them to grow in love and gratitude. I pray they won’t make the same mistakes I have, or suffer the hurt and pain that I have in growing and realisation.
Now, my dreams are that my son would recognise me as someone great. He could pretend I was a stranger in distress and maybe give me a helping arm to cling onto.
And he could tell his children about this lady that he helped and she was so grateful.
xxx Jean

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