All coming at me!

I might have said before, I would like to be bored just for one moment when drama isn’t slapping my face every five minutes.
At 48 years of age, I have a full house in my home. My husband Anthony age 52, my son Anthony age 25, Catherine 32, my husband’s niece, who came to live with us at age 13 when her Mam died and her Dad, my husband’s brother, was suffering with alcoholism. She left us at age 20 to go and live her life, but she’s back now a few month’s, (I’ll go into that in a minute). My second child Sarah is 19 and just finishing her first year in college and my last child Yasmin aged 10 in third class.
Oh, our three huskies, Skye, Storm and Sully!
My poor husband, God help him, is now having health difficulties. It actually started when he was only 35 when he was diagnosed with cists on his kidneys which causes blood pressure and he may need dialysis at some point in his life. Blood pressure problems inevitably lead to heart problems which is why he is now in the Mater having his heart rythem regulated. My husband’s parents died when he was little, so his diet was very bad. On his own admission he lived on fried, salty, fatty foods. He began drinking alcohol at age 10 and was addicted quite quickly. He also smoked,  just in his 20’s, for a few years, but also quite heavily. So, unfortunately, he’s in bits.
My son Anthony left home at 18 years of age. In my book, I tell you I could see it happening, how I was losing him.  I remember how much I loved my son when he came into this world and as a child; He was such a good lad. But some how, through my own fault, (depression, bad moods, controlling parenting skills, you name it)  I lost him. Acknowledging the effects I was having on my children, I worked really hard to change and I did, I have. And he came back two years ago, to save for his future wedding next year. I am truly happy for him, his future wife is a beautiful girl. But Anthony has never recovered his bond to me. I understand, but it doesn’t make it easier. To bear a son and for him not to be a son is very difficult. My son wouldn’t be rude to me, or aggressive in any shape or form. He just doesn’t need me or want to need me. I do accept the damage I’ve caused, so I ask God to help me and guide me and guide him. Of course, I’m not a saint, so I gave him a telling off last night or some home truths. Adding some more fuel to his resentment pile.
My daughter Sarah, thankfully, I got wind of the damage my parenting skills were doing and changed just in the nick of time to be better for her. But Sarah was a quite child, a pet, an angel, and I was pushy and forceful. As I say, thankfully, we went to family therapy at that point to figure things out, to learn how to do it better and Sarah is a daughter to me. She is a typical teenager in every way, but she’ll talk to me, be annoyed with me, be happy with me. She had a tough year in her first year of Art college, although extremely creative, she struggles socially and it takes her a while to find her feet. She suffered severe migrains, bad skin problems, low self esteem, but her tutor is really good for her, she listens to him and learns.
My daughter Yasmin is full on; Because of her delayed mental development, I still organize her and manage her and help her with lots of stuff, even though she’s 10. I don’t mind doing this, Yasmin is truly meeting all of her milestones in her own pace and I am confident she will be an educated, functioning adult when her time comes. But she keeps me on my toes; No lie on, no sitting back at the swimming pool while others are washing and drying their own hair at this point and lots more things that she needs help with; But I am so grateful I can do all this with love, kindness and compassion.
Back to Catherine; Catherine left home at 20 to find herself. She found out she was gay, an alcoholic, a smoker, a drug user and depressed. And now she’s found out she’s pregnant!
I am of course delighted for her, because everyone deserves to know that love that is to love a child; But just when I’m thinking to myself, ok, Yasmin is nearly 11 now, I can devote a little more time to myself, my writing, my relationship with my husband, which actually takes a lot of work! Now this. I don’t mind the house being filled with baby things again, but I am concerned about another baby in the house. How will Yasmin feel? Will I be able to cope with Yasmin and a baby who may or may not sleep and everything else that comes with a baby? I’m not sure. I’m not sure I can do this for Catherine. I’m scared that I will put myself last again and my kids. God knows I’ve little enough time for them as it is. I’m not sure, I don’t know, I’m tired, I’m confused. I’m a little annoyed.
Am I being selfish?

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